Searching for The Man
 in a man
Drawn out of shadows
 lights flash
We glorify a man
 as The Man
While claiming he's
 just a man
Something to look at
 and follow close
Something to be part of
 to call home
Sensations fiery and
 emotions stirred
Raised fervent cries
 a noisy herd
We walk in the footprints
 of a man
Hoping to know vicariously 
 The Man

Because glazed eyes don't recognize
 developing one's own faith
Required to persevere 
 through questions
Of the invisible
 and the unseen
Needed to fight through
 forces of evil misery
So the light burns bright
 for a time
Until sands shift
 as they do
And the house crumbles
 sticks and mud
Around the man we thought
 we knew
Human is still human
 weakness and sin
Only one man stands perfect
 Jesus Christ within

I have often been disappointed throughout my faith journey as a Jesus follower. I have a bad habit of looking for a Jesus figure within fallible and flawed humans. And inevitably, their weaknesses and imperfections are always revealed.

This absurd preoccupation has finally dumped me at the feet of the obvious conclusion: I am only to glean from, not consume, the lives and messages of those fellow Christians past and present who have been given a larger platform to share and live out the truth of the Gospel. And their words must always be tested against the Scriptures. Because nobody has all the answers and none of them are always right. Mystery is part of the journey and faith is at its heart.

Jeremiah 17:5-8
5 Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
    and makes flesh his strength,
    whose heart turns away from the Lord.
6 He is like a shrub in the desert,
    and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
    in an uninhabited salt land.

7 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
    whose trust is the Lord.
8 He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”


Psalm 118:8-9
8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord
    than to trust in man.
9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord
    than to trust in princes.

Peace & Love, Amy

Whew. There doesn’t seem to be much we can agree on collectively these days save for one thing: we all can’t  agree on a single thing. Some days I feel the tension marrow-deep. The intensity of our present time is palpable; it burns in my words, my actions and reactions. I often allow my thoughts, sometimes riddled with anxious musings , to drive my responses to the world and people around me, and dictate my perceptions of events unfolding. 

But what if…

What if all the energy, time, and effort I use to debate, discuss and think about current and future events was spent pouring out hope, encouragement, and creatively loving the people within my line of sight instead? 

What if, without reservation, I were to fully embrace the life that Jesus calls all of His followers to live: to love God, one another, and to take every opportunity to share the good news of His love for us with anyone and everyone?

If I were to take that same fiery passion that I use to examine, argue, and discuss current events and channel it instead into love and service in the name of Jesus, what could be accomplished?

The world tells me, and even many other Christians affirm, that all the terrible, evil things happening all over the world are worthy of my time and thoughts, worthy of worry, anxiety, fear, and doubt. But why? When I hold The Key to hope, joy, and peace, why do I spend my time wallowing when I could be proclaiming freedom? Of course I am to care about these things. As believers we pray, we give, we serve, we weep, but we do not utter defeat. We do not despair as the world despairs and we need not fear what they fear. Our God has the final word, and victory has already been declared.

But the world does not know Him. They cannot see Him. They do not understand that their true identity and hope is found in the arms of a loving Savior who gave everything for love, even unto death. So they work hard to piece together an existence built atop a mound of sand. And as the grains of culture and events shift and move beneath them, they attempt to adapt and change and resettle themselves in order to keep from going under. But ultimately, as sand will always do, it buries. 

I am beginning to understand what it looks like to be a “radical” follower of Jesus in the context of this present time in western culture. It means an acceptance of total rejection. It means being misunderstood, misinterpreted, and misrepresented. It means being demonized for a lack of “tolerance.” It means loss, often significant loss. And it means loving and forgiving without reservation those same people who cause the pain. Because followers of Jesus are to live out love.  

And truthfully, it feels a bit radical to want to trade in my conversations about masks and vaccines and new world orders for conversations about the love of Jesus, His death, resurrection, and the hope that can only be found through Him; to reject this idea of self-preservation and instead to live fully free and alive in Christ, whether for another week or another 80 years. People on all sides are so intent on self-preservation. To my Christian brothers and sisters- you know this is not the point. We exist for the purpose of glorifying our Creator and loving others into knowing and experiencing His joy and saving grace. That is all. The desire for self-preservation, although an instinct of our natural self, is not a pursuit that Christ has called us to. It is rooted in fear and a lack of faith. And in fact, Christ has called us to quite the opposite.

²⁴ Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. ²⁶ For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? (Matthew 16:24-26)

“If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” (Romans 14:8, NIV) 

“20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith…” (Philippians 1:20-25)

We don’t need to fear what the world fears, dear friends! And that is GOOD news! 

“13 Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14 But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.”15 But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16 keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. 17 For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. 18 For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit.” (1 Peter 3:13-18)

What do we really need to know except for the saving grace and hope that is found in Christ alone? What do we really need to share except that grace and hope with others who do not yet know it?

May we exit the chaos of our world and enter into His peace that passes all understanding. A truly radical notion these days it would seem. But what about all these things that I’m supposed to care about in order to be a knowledgeable, decent human being? One person was not made to do it all, know it all, or care about it all. So look at who is placed right in front of you. How can you care for and share the love of Jesus with the soul(s) directly in your path? If it is to pray then pray. If it is to listen then listen. If it is to give money then give money. If it is to serve then serve. If it is to forgive even though they may not deserve it, then forgive. If it is to sacrifice your time then do so. You do not know the seeds that are being planted and nurtured that may one day grow into a harvest of change. Be faithful with the ones placed before you. There is no telling what may result as a product of your obedience.

And finally, I don’t really know what Jesus would say about vaccines, but people sure do like to talk about it these days. 🙂

Peace & Love, Amy

Dear brothers and sisters, be wary of following an ideology that is readily accepted by the masses. The way of Christ always has been and always will be countercultural and in radical opposition to the current tide of society. Be cautious of seemingly noble pursuits that glorify man’s own capabilities, because it is not by our own ability that we are able to live according to the way of Jesus, but by the strength and grace of God alone. 

Root yourself firmly  in the truth of God’s Word. Don’t take another person’s word for it- study it yourself. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide your understanding. Ask hard questions- ones that seem counter to the narrative of the mainstream. Then pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you into wisdom and knowledge concerning these things. Test everything according to the Scriptures. 

 “Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. ² This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, ³ but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.

⁴ You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. ⁵ They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them. ⁶ We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.” (1 John 4:1-6, NIV, emphasis mine)

There are an abundance of beliefs, pursuits, and causes that may seem *mostly* true and good and right, but are they in their entirety? Is there still a quiet whisper of warning deep in your spirit or an unsettling feeling that refuses to be dismissed? This is a sure sign that not all is as it seems. (Hello, Holy Spirit!) So question it. Think critically. Analyze the sources. And above all, search the Scriptures. Ask God to reveal that which is truth and that which is hidden in dark corners and not easily discernible.

A few questions to ask yourself:

Does the WHOLE of the belief or message (directly or indirectly) point to the cross of Christ and His redemptive work in humanity? Or are there pieces of man’s own “authority,” power, and self-indulgent nature buried in the layers of the words and actions?

Does it place value on some and not others? Or perhaps value is given to all, but are the measures unbalanced?

Does its success depend upon God supernaturally moving and working through us, around us, and in us? Or does it place emphasis on our own personal efforts?

Is it teaching you to rely on yourself and your own abilities, or to trust in God’s faithfulness, provision, and redemptive power?

Does it shame you and cause you to feel bad enough about yourself so that you’ll do something differently? Or does it convict you and point you toward repentance, forgiveness, and grace? There is a definitive difference between shame and conviction. Shame comes by way of the world and renders us ineffective and playing the victim of defeat and discouragement while burying us in self-pity. Any changes made that come through the pressure of shame are never lasting. Conviction, on the other hand, comes by way of the Holy Spirit and pushes us towards genuine, positive heart-change through recognizing and acknowledging our wrongdoing, seeking forgiveness, and then actively working to do things differently. It is effort towards a permanent refashioning born out of a sincere desire to do better.

So after answering those questions, line it up against the Word of God and pray. What does God have to say about it? What is the Holy Spirit impressing upon you? Write it down. Speak it out loud. Search for more scriptures to support a particular verse you may have found. Cherry picking verses to fit the narrative you want is wrong. Any twisting of the truth of God’s Word to support sinful behavior is evil and originates from satan himself. Therefore, don’t simply pick out one verse to support your opinion or belief and call it good. Oh, no. Keep looking. Continue praying. Study the stories as they are meant to be studied- from beginning to end. Read Bible commentary to help illuminate historical and cultural context.

Even if you don’t know what to pray, even if you have no other words and lack the clarity to dig deep at this moment, you could start by reading one of the passages below and then sit with it the rest of the day. Come back to it. Read it multiple times. Contemplate it within the context of your own life experiences, situations that you’ve witnessed, and “truths” that you are being told. You can also pray this simple prayer: “Jesus, I need you. Holy Spirit, break through the bonds of darkness and speak what is true into my heart.” 

Ephesians 4

Ephesians 5:1-21

1 Corinthians 1:18-31

1 Corinthians 2

Matthew 5-7

1 John 3:11-24

Luke 10:25-37

1 Corinthians 13

1 Peter 5:6-11

Ezekiel 18

May we never cease endeavoring to grow in the grace and knowledge of Christ and His love for us and all of humanity.

Peace & Love, Amy

Where do we draw the line in the sand, O Church? When ideology and idolatry feed the people, where do we find our sustenance? What fuels our spirits to endure the life that we must lose in order to find the one that never dies? Is your vision of Jesus or of the pleasures that surround you? Is it the power of a nation, of a man, that propels you? Or the cross of Christ and the hope we have through His resurrection?

Strengthen yourselves by way of the Scriptures, Ekklesia; with prayer and fasting, lament and intercede for your neighbors- the ones who claim to know Christ and the ones who don’t. Serve them. Love them. Because the time for war is fast approaching. The spiritual forces are seething, eager to confuse the faithful and securely bind up those already walking in darkness. Are you ready?

“Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.” (Ephesians 5:6-11, ESV, emphasis mine)

Empty words are a dime a dozen these days. Do not let yourselves be fooled by persuasive arguments. Something may sound true, but test it against the Scriptures. Does it indeed fall in line with the truth of the Gospel? And not just some of it or most of it, but ALL of it? Because that right there is often the deception- when an ideology or belief sounds mostly right and is just convincing enough to entangle the ones who lack the diligence to question the tiny problematic pieces. 

“But test all things carefully [so you can recognize what is good]. Hold firmly to that which is good.” (1 Thessalonians 5:21, AMP)

Test ALL things. Every. Single. Thing. Expose the darkness. Call it out. Speak the truth! 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a man born to German affluence, who lacked no good thing as a child, and had everything he could possibly need at his disposal as an adult. And yet this man, intensely driven and thoughtful even as a young child, recognized a deep sickness within his own church, a church that eventually came to be called the Reich Church and adopted such doctrine as the “Aryan Paragraph,” which stood in direct opposition to the message of the Gospel. 

“Meanwhile Dietrich had become quite desperate. Precisely because for him the church was the visible form of Christ on earth, he could not remain in a church which betrayed Christ.”  (Dietrich Bonhoeffer: A Spoke in the Wheel, p. 76)

The lack of support and understanding from other pastors and church leaders drove him into his own personal wilderness of theological discovery and eventual rejection of the comforts and security his life afforded for the sake of Christ and the message of the Gospel. He eventually fully embraced the cost of following Christ by exchanging personal comfort and security at his church post in London, and returning to Germany to strengthen a new body of believers who called themselves the Confessing Church, which vehemently opposed the national Reich Church. In doing so he knowingly and voluntarily entered into suffering and persecution, and ultimately death by hanging. He was driven by his love for Christ and the Church to expose the darkness.

“Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and shrewd in their own sight!” (Isaiah 5:20-21, ESV)

I implore you, as believers, to carefully evaluate the beliefs you hold. Is there something disguised among the good things? An almost imperceptible, invasive thought or ideology that has crept into the corners? Maybe it sounds good on the surface, but if examined and dissected it would fail to add up to the truth of the Gospel. Take some time to consider it. Write things down. Pray for the Holy Spirit to reveal the hidden things and bring them to light. I promise you He will.

Dietrich did not defend an ideology. He defended the cross of Christ- not another group’s idolatry, but the Gospel of the risen Christ and the “communion of saints.” I ask you, what truth about Christ is being demonstrated in the raising of a flag? In the violence born from injustices and hate? 

Where, O Church, is your voice? Where are you in the fray of all the chaos and destruction and suffering? Do you hold whispered conversations in back corners, creating defenses for your silence and inaction, or for your support of the madness that rages? Does a man sit on the throne of your heart, or does God? 

As Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego prepared for their death because they refused to pay tribute to the gods of this world, so too must we the Church of the West, a church so profoundly steeped in comfort and convenience, prepare for the persecution of all who call on the name of Jesus and refuse to bend a knee in compromise. Do not let fear paralyze you into inaction. Pray, dear ones. Pray without ceasing. Search the Scriptures. Prepare your heart for the days to come. Because the earthly cost may be severe, but the reward is eternal. 

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:10-13, NIV)

Peace & Love, Amy

It’s been about ten months since my last post. Things have happened. The winds of change came barreling through like a tornado, leveling life as we knew it. We welcomed our fourth baby boy into the world at the end of August and the new baby fog has dropped a thick blanket of exhaustion, chaos, and monotony over our days. No longer free to simply pick up and go with the kids wherever weather and desire lead us, we are once more grounded in the newborn neediness. One month in and it still feels like I’m nursing an over-excited hamster. The gnawing… oh sweet Jesus, HELP. 

We have also made the switch back to homeschooling, which means we are all together, all the time. A first grader, preschooler, toddler, and a fresh-out infant. All boys, every minute of every day. The thoughts of all that I can’t do and be right now feel heavy. And that heaviness tends to give entrance to a number of convincing lies. Sandwiched in between the harsh whispers of “failure” are others that fuel the frenzy of self-doubt and what I perceive myself to be lacking.

When the previous day rolls into the next without any sort of delineation (because infants view  nighttime sleep as merely optional), and dawn finally sets about permeating the darkness with strokes of color, I release a paradoxical sigh- relief that the sun has made its journey back around to bring salvation from the night, but also the awareness of another day of mothering the countless needs and developing hearts of four young boys. The daily work of mothering often appears so very unexceptional and ordinary in its redundant tasks, and so to view motherhood as somewhat cumbersome feels a whole lot easier than to embrace the journey as a treasure trove of opportunity, surprise, and delight.  

But I wonder why we so routinely twist our perception of ordinary life into a thing of worthlessness; that it is somehow not enough, unfulfilling, or less important than the fewer shiny, flashier moments. Most of life IS the ordinary stuff. If I settle for the belief that raising and educating my children is somehow a lesser journey, that I could have been and done so much more had I chosen something other than them, then I’ve missed it. I’ve missed the reward, the growth, the joy, everything.  The struggle to raise good men will always look like struggle and never a display of God’s infinite glory, mercy, and grace. I will only ever see fallible humans failing instead of image-bearers of Christ being molded into His likeness in the day-to-day. 

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, an eighteenth century German poet, gifted us with this bit of wisdom: 

“Cease endlessly striving to do what you want to do and learn to love what must be done.”

Instead of seeing a task, see purpose. Instead of simply pushing through, determine if there is a weakness that can be strengthened or a lesson learned- because therein lies the transformation. The beauty of ordinary life will begin to reveal itself as our perception of the ordinariness changes from one of worthlessness to accepting what’s actually true- that the ordinary transforms. Identifying purpose in the mundane unveils its worth.

So what does that look like? A recent example happened to me just minutes ago as I was typing these words. The baby, who had been sleeping, began to fuss. My initial reaction was to feel resentment toward fussy baby for interrupting my typing. Because instead of sitting comfortably on the couch typing about embracing the ordinary, I actually had to go live it out by calming a crying infant and putting him back to sleep, which could have taken who KNOWS how long. But I stopped my eyes from rolling and immediately put that feeling of resentment on hold, went to him, and pulled him in close to my chest. Nuzzling the top of his warm, fuzzy head I began to breathe in his sweet baby scent. And as I settled into  the quiet, ordinary moment of lulling him to sleep once more, I felt a deep sense of wonder at the gift I had been given in caring for this tiny, fragile human, and my heart was filled with the sweetest joy. I was able to experience a holy moment of genuine gratitude because this time I had chosen to love what must be done. I recognized purpose instead of a task- loving my child, not quieting an interruption.

The Summer Day

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean-

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-

who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

—Mary Oliver

Most of us don’t have time or opportunity to spend our days strolling through fields and observing the eating habits of grasshoppers, but I think the reminder for us all in this poem is to pay attention. Pay attention to the details, the minutiae, the bit parts in our daily story that reveal pieces of God and His mysterious, limitless grace. When we busy ourselves with the goal of discovering grace and beauty in the ordinary things, there is no longer space or time to accept the ordinary as anything less than extraordinary. God’s faithfulness and redemptive, shaping work in our lives- among our chores, responsibilities, obligations, reactions, interactions, and attitudes- is nothing short of miraculous. Every single day we are living out a miracle orchestrated by the hand of God. If we were to see the whole story from start to finish, the gradual influence of the everyday moments would become crystal clear and we would be awestruck by the confluence of these millions of tiny moments shaping within us something so grand.

So then:

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalm 118L24, NIV)

A final word from artist and author Ruth Chou Simmons:

“When we believe the Giver of every ordinary moment in our every day is the faithful God who is trustworthy for each next step we take in our daily lives, we have reason to rejoice in the gift of another day. “Let us rejoice and be glad in it” isn’t a grit-your-teeth-and-obey imperative; it is a response to the preceding truth that this is the day the Lord has made. The Lord is the author of this day you and I get to live. We become joyful and glad about this day- today- as we take our eyes off of what we must do and behold the One who created us to do it in the first place.”  (excerpt from Beholding and Becoming: The Art of Everyday Worship)

Peace & Love, Amy

 

When Jesus entered this world as a tiny, fragile infant, vulnerable and needy- as we all are- it was in the most inglorious of ways. A barn. Noisy animals. Smelly dung. And Mary labored like all the rest of humanity’s women- agonizing pain, sweaty, blood flowing, and the placenta… WHERE DID THE PLACENTA GO?

I have so many questions.

Did Joseph sterilize the instrument he used to cut the umbilical cord? If so, how? Or maybe young teenage Mary did it herself? Because there’s a good chance Joseph was feeling a bit queasy. I bet Jesus latched easily, though. The silver lining perhaps? And what about her first bowel movement after delivery without the softening grace of Colace? I sincerely hope the Lord had mercy on her post-partum body because it’s almost a sure fact there were no frozen icy pads to assuage the burn. Also, riding approximately 100 miles cross-country on the back of a donkey at nine months pregnant? There isn’t a NO big enough to express my feelings about that.

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that God built a woman’s body to endure, adapt, and persevere. Amen.

This is the first year that I’ve read the story of Jesus’ birth and attempted to put myself within the experience, tried to place myself in Mary’s sandals, and ponder the missing details. I have found that by trying to empathize with Mary’s experience, the whole of the story has deepened its significance within my own heart and personalized it in such a way that she now feels more like an intimate friend than a distant, historical figure. I love that.

Oh Mary, how your heart must have burned when the angel first appeared to you! The questions that must have swirled in your mind as you stood and faced such holy Light! What did your spirit sense as the angel’s words were spoken? Did you have to swallow back your disbelief?

“’I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.’” (Luke 1:38, NIV)

That is all we know of Mary’s thoughts and feelings about being impregnated by the God of all creation while still a virgin. Hmm. Some details are… missing. This verse doesn’t seem to fully encapsulate the situation. Luke’s Gospel account of this meeting seems far too nonchalant.

Perhaps the mystery is purposeful? Or maybe it’s simply that the tradition of oral storytelling left room only for the most obvious facts. Whatever the case may be, the opportunity for inference allows for a richness of thought and contemplation.

What were Mary’s hopes and dreams before that visitation? Undoubtedly, she was preparing for a much different future. What a seismic shift that must have taken place in her heart and mind upon receiving the news that she would be carrying God’s Son! Who can even fathom such feelings? And what if Mary had said no? What if Mary had run through the litany of personal issues this would cause her as the angel stood before her? The discomfort. The questions. The comments and stares of others, knowing she was not yet married. And what would her fiancé Joseph think?

But she didn’t say no. She accepted it. ALL of it. This young teenage girl.

Further along in the story, when Mary goes to visit her cousin Elizabeth, we finally discover more of Mary’s feelings regarding her new situation.

“And Mary said,
I’m bursting with God-news;
     I’m dancing the song of my Savior God.
God took one good look at me, and look what happened—
     I’m the most fortunate woman on earth!
What God has done for me will never be forgotten,
     the God whose very name is holy, set apart from all others.
His mercy flows in wave after wave
     on those who are in awe before him.
He bared his arm and showed his strength,
     scattered the bluffing braggarts.
He knocked tyrants off their high horses,
     pulled victims out of the mud.
The starving poor sat down to a banquet;
     the callous rich were left out in the cold.
He embraced his chosen child, Israel;
     he remembered and piled on the mercies, piled them high.
It’s exactly what he promised,
     beginning with Abraham and right up to now.” (Luke 1:46-55, MSG)

She knows only of the future promise, yet her joy is unfettered. She trusts wholeheartedly in what is to come while still living in the present. And she rejoices over it! When the light broke through, she embraced it.

And oh what Love that followed her faith and willing spirit! She became the vessel for all of creation’s Saving Grace! This simple, humble teenage girl who chose the hard and unorthodox rather than the expected and conventional.

Has the Light ever broken through and interrupted your story? Thrown off your path’s trajectory? Changed the course of your life? Did you face the Light and accept what was being offered to you? Or did you hide your face and wait for the opportunity to pass by because it seemed too impossible?

Two and a half years into our marriage, my husband and I were teetering on the edge of a cliff. We had separated for a time and I was staying at my parent’s house. I clearly remember sitting on the bed in my old bedroom, picking up the phone in one hand to call the lawyer to discuss a potential divorce, and then as I turned, my eyes stopped at my guitar case sitting on the floor. I hadn’t played my guitar or even picked it up since I had gotten married, but I had brought it back to my parents’ house with me. I set the phone down, picked the guitar up out of its case, and began to play an old worship song. Only the Holy Spirit knows why I chose the guitar over the phone call in that moment, but I‘m so grateful I did.

Because that is where the Light broke through. In between my heaving sobs and shaky, gasping prayers.

I was offered the strength to persevere, the courage to hold steadfastly to the covenant promise of marriage we had made, the peace to overcome my anxiety… or to continue on with my present course toward divorce. Was I willing to do the hard work? To finally commit to my husband with the fullness of my heart rather than dish out ultimatums created in the shallow end of conditional love? I knew deep down that if I gave up then, I would never be able to trust my commitment to anyone else in the future.

I chose to embrace the Light. Thank God my husband did the same. And as painful as our journey has been together at times, I know now that he is my one and only. It was always him. We are just two very imperfect people trying to mesh as one. And sometimes it’s an absolute mess. But that’s us. And Grace meets us in the midst of it every time. So here we are- living, loving, forgiving, and raising our babies to do the same.

The Light is hope and it is hard. It promises beauty and grace but requires a spirit that is willing to labor for the future reward. Wherever the Light breaks through in your story, consider Mary’s heart and narrative as you make your choice.

May the peace of Christ cover you as you journey on through this season of advent.

Peace & Love, Amy

The title is a bit deceiving because it makes me sound like I’m a seasoned homeschooler. I’m not. It *technically* lasted a whole five weeks. However, the hours I spent reading and researching would probably add up to a solid half decade… minus almost five years. Well regardless, here’s the story:

This journey began while my oldest son was attending pre-k last year. I was floundering about what would come next. There were so many options to consider! Public school, charter school, private school, magnet school, homeschool, co-op… We visited a number of places, but none of them brought the “aha!” moment. Until I visited our local public elementary school.

I have fears about public schooling. Much of them stem from my own lack of experience with it as a student, but my personal experience with it as a teacher. Yes, I am a former high school teacher. And it rocked my precious, naïve world. Also, the media is great about highlighting the worst possible stories related to public education. But while I was touring the building of this elementary school during an open house last spring, a former college friend greeted me in the hallway. It just so happened that she was a kindergarten teacher there. She also happens to be a genuine, compassionate, energetic, and kind person.

She would care about my son. And he could be in her class! That was all it took.

I gathered all the enrollment forms, went home, sat on the couch, and cried tears of gratitude for the grace that God had shown me through that “chance” encounter.  I turned in the papers the next day and felt total peace.

Fast forward to this past July. I began to waver and doubt.

Above all I have always desired that my children would love to learn, that they would understand that all of life is learning. Classroom walls do not determine the sum total of their education, and experience truly is the best teacher. I wanted them to have EXPERIENCES, not a desk and chair to sit in. I didn’t want them to become cogs in the wheels of an enormous, broken educational system.

The idea of homeschooling began pulling at me. So I started reading- articles, blogs, books… all the things. Through my research I discovered the idea of “unschooling,” which was immensely intriguing and seemed to be the exact answer I was looking for. (For a basic understanding of this educational philosophy go here.) I wanted my kids to be free to learn as naturally as possible, to let their own curiosity and interests guide their education without being hindered by traditional structures, labels, rules, homework, and standardized testing. (I despise standardized testing with all of my heart. Let that be known.)

I thought that more time together instead of wasting it in school was the solution for our family unit to become strong and cohesive; that by being with each other all of the time and learning together our love for each other would sink down deeper and stretch out wider.

Well, in theory this should be true. In practice, though, it didn’t quite feel that way.

I came to a few realizations after living out the summer months and the first few weeks of the official school year as a homeschooling mom:

• I’m not as into this as I thought I was.
• I should be planning things and I’m not.
• My kid is bored and desperate for friends.
• I am an introvert and cringe at the thought of meeting new people.
• This is bad for a homeschooling family.
• I am going to be raising socially stunted, awkward weirdos if we keep this up.
• Something has to change.

And so I began trying to face my own personal discomfort and fears by taking them to attend social gatherings of other homeschooling families, becoming part of online communities, searching for a tribe to call our own.  It was utterly exhausting. It felt mostly futile since my kids refused to interact with the other kids, which defeated the purpose. I felt imprisoned by my own expectations, knowing that I was not doing this right or well, but believing that this was still the best thing for my kids anyway. I will get better at this eventually, right? That’s what I kept repeating to myself.

Until last Friday when I was attempting to actually do a thing with him by practicing some sight words and he was not having it. He looked at me with those enormous sea-blue eyes and sighed, “Mom, I just want to have friends. Not just you and baby Isaac. I want to go to school and have friends.”

There is something I know about my son. And that is that he cannot just be thrown into random situations and make friends. He needs consistent time and interaction with a variety of kids in a familiar setting in order for something to finally click- in order to find his person or people. Now, I understand this can be found within homeschooling communities and co-ops in much the same way. The problem was that we still hadn’t found one AND they all cost a chunk of money that we don’t have right now. So that possibility wasn’t going to be in the cards for us for a while, but we needed something NOW.

He is also very curious and inquisitive and thrives on mental stimulation. He was getting very little of that at home because I lacked preparation and structure. Deep down I could feel something was not healthy about our situation.

So after my son made that statement I looked him in the eye and asked him if he really wanted to go to the elementary school. I repeated that same question three or four times before we left the house to go re-enroll him. Each time he said yes, this is what he wanted, that he was ready. So I said okay. He asked if he would be able to have the same teacher that he was going to have when I first enrolled him. I told him probably not, but I would ask and see if it was possible. So I sent a quick message to her letting her know what we had decided and asked if it was possible for him to still be in her class. She responded almost immediately that she would make it happen. And she did.

God’s grace continued to flow.

We put down the sight words, got our shoes on, drove down the street to the elementary school, walked into the building, and there at the front desk stood his new teacher, waiting for us. I had no idea she would be there. With a big smile on her face we hugged and I whispered thank you. She assured me this was good- it was so good.

Grace upon grace.

As soon as we were done and walked out the door, however, old best friends Fear and Anxiety came to crash the party. How could this possibly be the right decision? How? WHAT DID I JUST DO? And as we drove home I began to think and analyze and over-think.

I felt grief for the loss of a dream, fear of the unknown, worry that the sibling relationships would break down, anxiety that I would “lose” my son, and frustrated at the loss of control I now faced. I was overwhelmed, but still I was determined to listen to my son’s needs and at least let him try this new thing.

We can always take him back out was the thought that I clung to.

A few hours later we went to pick up Isaiah from preschool and were driving home. The song “No Longer Slaves” was playing and from the backseat I could hear Silas belting out the words at the top of his lungs: “I’m no longer a slave to fear! I am a child of God. I’m no longer a slave to fear! I am a child of God.”  That’s when I started to pray.

“Lord, I pray that he would be a light-bearer…”

Wait. What? That’s not language I would normally think to use. So in that moment I understood immediately that God had given me these words to speak and pray over Silas.

“Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16, MSG)

Aha, God. I see what you did there. So now what are You up to…? A few fuzzy details were beginning to take shape. Silas knows love, and he knows God. He is going to be used to share both with the kids at this school who know neither.

Oh God, but what if he gets lost, trapped, bullied, lonely, sad, angry, confused, misunderstood, forgotten…?

And God’s reminder of what’s true shook me: “He is not yours to keep. He is not yours to hold on to. He is my child FIRST and I love him more than you do.”

*Cue the ugly silent cry and dripping tears.*

I have to surrender control of my child and the micromanaging of his discomfort. He needs to experience hard things, painful things, and sad things in order to grow in grace, courage, hope, and compassion. God has purposed him to bear light and love. He cannot fully understand the hope and joy of this Light without confronting darkness. So I must let him go do it. Without me.

But Lord, can’t I just stand in the back of the room? Sit behind the bushes during recess? Hide under a table at lunch time? I was getting desperate.

“Nope. Let him go.”

I am being forced to face my fears and trust that God can and will take care of my son. I have to start releasing him to take walks in the wild without holding my hand.

An aside: I must also now give up the convenience of living outside the system and its rules. This is hard. I like convenience. I do not like rules.

Growing pains hurt really, really bad.

To a lot of people (and even to myself at first), this decision might not make sense, especially since we are blessed to even HAVE the option to homeschool because my husband works extremely hard to provide. So why, then? Because God doesn’t often make sense. He works and moves inside AND outside of our boxes, often thwarting our best-laid plans for His better one. Maybe the type of education I desired for him was, in fact, NOT the kind of education he needed in order to do whatever it is that God has purposed him to do.

We are five days in now and I can say with total certainty that this was the right decision. He is clearly a happier, more engaged child. I am clearly a happier, more engaged mother. Everybody is winning. (Except baby Isaac in the after school pick-up line. Wah.) He comes out of the building smiling every single day, always talking about something new he has done. This child thrives on structure and routine. It was obvious that at home he was wilting. No longer. It brings me great joy to see his love of learning expanding and growing.

God is faithful.

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” (Isaiah 42:16, NIV)

Satan is aware of all of my fears concerning this new journey. He is aware of how powerful a mother’s desire to protect can be. It can cripple the life and spirit of a child. So as I pray for my son, I pray also that fear would not distract me from the good that is happening; that I would not allow fear to dictate my actions or reactions; that with each new day I would choose surrender instead of control.

And dear God, PLEASE bestow an extra measure of patience upon his teacher to handle all of my initial crazy. She truly is a gift.

If God can strengthen a small young boy to slay a giant and save an entire nation of people (1 Samuel 17), God can strengthen my son to walk the halls of kindergarten and beyond.

There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold
There is a Spirit who brings fire
Ignites a candle and makes His home

Carry your candle, run to the darkness
Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn
Hold out your candle for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world
Take your candle, and go light your world

(Chris Tomlin, from “Go Light Your World”)

Go light your world, sweet boy. You are infinitely loved.

Peace & Love, Amy

I spend far too much time bemoaning my failures as a wife, mother, and overall human being. There exists this veil between my heart and God’s- self-imposed, of course- that separates me from His infinitely deep and wide well of joy. I look at all the ways I get it wrong, do it wrong, say it wrong, live it wrong- clawing at the veil in vain attempts to see more than just my own mess. I waste a fair amount of effort begging God to take away the failing parts, to improve them, reshape them, turn me into that other, better thing.

Because then I would be able to rip off the veil, see Him clearly, and do everything right. I mean, being perfect and living perfectly would have some significant advantages, right? That would make our relationship strong and healthy- not needing God to help me with anything anymore or having to bother Him about giving me grace and all that- just coolly hanging out together on His level of utter perfection.

Or maybe I just need to light a match and set my arrogance on fire.

“As he moved on, Jesus saw a man named Matthew at his post where taxes were collected. He said to him, ‘Follow me.’ Matthew got up and followed him. Now it happened that, while Jesus was at table in Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and those known as sinners came to join Jesus and his disciples at dinner. The Pharisees saw this and complained to his disciples, ‘What reason can the Teacher have for eating with tax collectors and those who disregard the law?’ Overhearing their remark, he said, ‘People who are in good health do not need a doctor; sick people do. Go and learn the meaning of the words, “It is mercy I desire and not sacrifice.” I have not come to call the self-righteous but sinners.’” (Matthew 9:9-13)

He came for the weary and frustrated me. The yelling-angrily-at-my-kids me. The compassionless me. The ungrateful and childish me. The despairing and tearful me. The willful and controlling me. All of the things that I am- the good, bad, and ugly- He wants to sit at the table with all of them.

What a guy.

The very purpose of Christ coming to earth, dying, and coming back to life was for us to finally be able to escape the burden of laws and rules and the pursuit of moral perfection, and live life immersed in a new kind of freedom. We were set free from the Law and invited into relationship instead. We are perfected through our imperfections– by experiencing God’s grace filling in the cavernous failures with His endless forgiveness and love, and ACCEPTING IT without assuming there’s a caveat. Because there isn’t. That is sanctification and it is so, so beautiful.

“Now, dear brothers and sisters—you who are familiar with the law—don’t you know that the law applies only while a person is living? ² For example, when a woman marries, the law binds her to her husband as long as he is alive. But if he dies, the laws of marriage no longer apply to her. ³ So while her husband is alive, she would be committing adultery if she married another man. But if her husband dies, she is free from that law and does not commit adultery when she remarries.

⁴ So, my dear brothers and sisters, this is the point: You died to the power of the law when you died with Christ. And now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead. As a result, we can produce a harvest of good deeds for God. ⁵ When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work within us, and the law aroused these evil desires that produced a harvest of sinful deeds, resulting in death. ⁶ But now we have been released from the law, for we died to it and are no longer captive to its power. Now we can serve God, not in the old way of obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living in the Spirit.” (Romans 7:1-6, NLT)

“…the new way of living in the Spirit.” The way of mercy, grace, forgiveness, and love.

The veil between humanity and God was torn the moment after Jesus released his final ragged breath on the cross and surrendered his spirit to Death. I, however, have worked hard stitching my own personalized version to take its place in my own heart. Deep down I still fight the lie that tells me I’m supposed to do something more to deserve God’s love and grace; that I am required to “repay” Him in some way by way of deeds that I do or my level of morality. Even though I know in my spirit that’s not true, I still live as if it is.

I find it difficult to accept a gift or act of service from anyone at face value. I’m forever suspicious of an underlying motive. If someone gives me a gift for no particular reason or does something nice for me, I usually feel obligated to repay them in some way, negating the spirit of the initial gift. But a gift is called such because it is free and comes without strings attached.

God’s grace is a gift. It is the active expression of His love for us. There really are no strings attached.

And His grace is best taught and demonstrated through our failures- to our kids most especially. If you are like me and cry yourself to sleep too many nights because of the way you parented that day, because you can’t seem to control your frustration and the way you speak to your children at times, breathe in because there is grace enough for us, too. This is a weak spot of mine where I feel most defeated by Satan. I am distracted from pouring the Gospel of Love into my children because I am too busy yelling at them instead, and then later crawling in my dark hole of shame. Regret ends up overshadowing joy most days.

We are told often, and with good intentions of course, that we are not failing at this or that, or that we are not failures as people. Wrong. We are. We are all total failures. Jesus’ death and resurrection would have served no purpose if that weren’t the case. But the JOY comes in knowing that it is through our failures that we are made holy and perfect in the eyes of God. Without the broken bits and pieces there would be no cracks for grace to flow through.

“Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life… It strikes us when, year after year, the longed-for perfection does not appear, when the old compulsions reign within us as they have for decades, when despair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness, and it is as though a voice were saying: ‘You are accepted. You are accepted, accepted by that which is greater than you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything, do not perform anything, do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact that you are accepted.’ If that happens to us, we experience grace.” (Paul Tillich, The Shaking of the Foundations)

The joy gets lost in my failed attempts at trying harder, doing better, and attempting to become “my best self.” (*throwing up on a pile of self-help books*) I am not the answer to my problems and mistakes. The answer to any and all failure is Jesus.

Rich Mullins was a very successful Christian singer and songwriter who produced many classic contemporary Christian hits from the 90’s. He was also an alcoholic, struggled with substance abuse, and suffered from mental illness. He was intimately aware of his imperfections and desperate need for God’s grace.

“I would rather live on the verge of falling and let my security be in the all sufficiency of the grace of God than to live in some kind of pietistic illusion of moral excellence. Not that I don’t want to be morally excellent but my faith isn’t in the idea that I am more moral than anyone else. My faith is the idea that God and His love are greater than any of the sins we commit.” (Rich Mullins, Pursuit of a Legacy video)

And therein lies our hope- that experiencing Grace has absolutely nothing to do with what we do. It is through the very imperfections we may be begging God to fix that His love and grace are able to be most intimately understood- and an intimate understanding of God’s love and grace is the sustenance for a deepening relationship with Him. God’s power is most clearly demonstrated through us in the midst of our weaknesses. This is the place of genuine transformation.

But even if, for some reason, this transformation alludes me and I find myself still battling this same angry thorn in my flesh twenty years from now, His love will remain steadfast, His mercy unending, His forgiveness infinite, and His grace boundless.

“The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.” (Psalm 51:17, NLT)

Thank you, Jesus.

Peace & Love, Amy

Some of you may be openly weeping at the devastation pictured above. Feel free to grab a tissue if needed. Yes, this is indeed my garden. Or was, rather. Clearly I didn’t care much for common sense gardening this year… or even basic upkeep.

That is one depressing cucumber plant.

When I took notice of the state of my garden this morning, an uncomfortable feeling washed over me- a realization of something even closer to home than my own backyard: that this mess of weeds, vines, and decaying vegetables was mirroring the current state of my heart. Right now. Today.

This garden tragedy looks how my heart feels.

Jesus, help.

Living things will deteriorate when care is not taken to maintain them- most especially the human heart. Distractions keep us from noticing the gradual withering. Oh the distractions! But when did everything become so twisted and gnarled and dry? It’s difficult to pinpoint. There is no one particular moment- only a slow and steady trickle of life dripping out into the world’s abyss.

Soon enough, though, life begins to feel harder and harder to manage and we don’t understand why. We don’t recognize that we are dying. All of our heart reserves have been emptied and poured out, the point at which we are attached to our Life Source vine is beginning to crack and separate from the vine because the pathway becomes obstructed by all of life’s worries, tasks, and diversions. We become weary and tired, crawling through our days. Every issue, monumental or minuscule, begins to weigh on us like an impossible burden.

Where did the hope go? Where is the joy? What happened to love?

Jesus had something to say about this.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.⁷ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

⁹ “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. ¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ¹⁴ You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵ I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. ¹⁶ You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. ¹⁷ This is my command: Love each other.” (John 15:1-17, NIV)

Try to sit with these verses for a minute. How much of what you do is you and how much of it is God at work through you? Where do you source your energy each day?

Set the coffee down, Linda. What else?

One of my problems is that I launch myself into the day with personal promises to be kinder and gentler and more patient. Today is a new day, I say to myself. I can do this! I am my own source of strength… until suddenly one interaction bursts into flames and spirals into more chaos, which then leads to the whole day feeling lost because my kids are acting the worst- but only because I am, too.

Mama can totally bring the drama llama, unfortunately.

Other stresses of life present themselves, too. Decisions are made without so much as a nod in God’s direction – which is everywhere- so basically we look down at our toes and say “we know what we’re doing” or “this feels right.” These thoughts have sometimes actually been enough to seal the deal on big decisions. Sad.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Pass the dynamite, please and thank you. I need to blow this pathway obstruction to hell. I am dying.

My garden may be beyond saving this year, but my heart certainly is not. “You did not choose me, but I chose you…” said the Son of God, Master of the universe.

He chose the eleven apostles. He chose me. He chose you. Do you realize what this means? HE CARES ABOUT US. My shriveled up heart. Your broken one. I want a garden heart that grows wild and free and full of fruit. To have this I must “remain in Him,” which means receiving that which He passes through vine to branch: love. I must first receive His love, accept it, bask in it, grow in it, then bear the fruit of it and share it with others.

Accept His love and grow- that’s the Gardener’s gift to all of us. And as He shapes and prunes, we need only remain in His love through the pain, sacrifices, grief, and struggles. It’s the kind of love that calls us by name. A love that would leave the flock of ninety-nine other sheep to go find the one who is lost. And once we recognize this Voice of Love within the deepest recesses of our hearts, nothing else will do. No one else will satisfy.

^“3 The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. ⁴ When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. ⁵ But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.” (John 10:3-5, NIV)

It’s not the stranger’s voice that leads to life. The stranger’s voice pushes us to distraction, working every possible angle to keep us from hearing the only Voice that wants to draw us into perfect, unconditional love. The stranger could care less about us.

But how do we recognize the Voice of Love?

^“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸ Love never fails…” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

It’s the One that draws us to truth, to hope, to life- in all things.

I am going to challenge myself to find a few moments each day over the next week to sit, invite God to sit with me, and be still- perhaps think about a scripture verse that feels significant in that moment and dwell on it. Feel free to join me in this simple challenge and share what results from your experience if you’d like.

I’m ready for my withered garden heart to be revived.

Peace & Love, Amy

 

 

Sometimes I get a crazy dream wedged into the channels of my cracked mom-brain. Most recently I watched a documentary on Netflix about the Ketogenic Diet. I finally got tired of hearing too many people talk about it and me not knowing what it was, so I decided to educate myself a bit. Well, this of course led to the realization that we just had to buy a farm and raise our own livestock and grow our own food. It’s the only way to truly LIVE, I argued with myself. I think at one point I even got mad at my husband without telling him, simply because I knew he would never get on board with my grand vision. Poor guy. I can be a bit much at times.

So since I knew we wouldn’t become farmers anytime soon (or ever), I began thinking about things I could do around my current space to grow a smaller version of this dream. Maybe a chicken coop? I mean, we have a decent-sized yard. A cow could totally fit back there, I bet. Section off a large portion on the side of the deck for three or four raised garden boxes surrounded by gravel walkways and properly fenced to keep out the creatures? Beautiful! Yes!

Wait.

I currently have one raised garden box. I planted six things in it. So the one wilted tomato plant and solitary thriving cucumber plant may not be the best indicators of future success… unless all I grow are fields of cucumbers. I do like cucumbers.

Final conclusion: maybe I shouldn’t be responsible for an entire farm. Or animals that will depend on me to live.

Ugh. Another dream is dead. MY LIFE IS SO SMALL, I fume. Everyone else can raise cattle, become CEOs, travel the world, get PhD’s, and live these fantastical lives of adventure doing really big, important things. I’m a stay-at-home mom to three small boys. What am I even accomplishing in life? I should be working! Travelling the globe! Going back to school! Volunteering at all the places! Making my mark on the world!

I can’t know the whole of my future or what I will do years down the road, but one thing I do know for certain: I already have made my mark on the world… in the form of three young babes who call me mom. (Well I guess technically the baby doesn’t yet, but I’m bound to hear him screaming it soon, too.) And the reality is that the lives of my sons are creating a ripple effect that will ultimately produce waves throughout forthcoming generations of history. How I raise them matters. What I teach them matters. Because what they go out and do unto others will matter in the future of humanity.

So yes, my life IS big. It IS significant and meaningful. The problem isn’t my life. The problem is the way in which I view my life. Oddly enough, my definition of “big” is actually very small when I take a second to consider it. In essence, I reduce people’s entire lives to an idealistic- most likely completely fictitious- notion about their profession or hobby. Social media is the absolute worst (or should I say best?) at narrowing my field of vision.

I need to remind myself of the truth. Often.

Here is what I am learning: Living a “big life” most often means cultivating a heart brimming with wonder and gratitude; constantly asking yourself how and why and what about the world you are already standing in, and being grateful for all the bits and pieces that form it. It is a life that is moving, learning, and evolving, growing, stretching and becoming. Becoming what? Something new. Or something renewed.

I habitually clutter my heart and mind with tasks and things and negativity. And what become visible to me, then, are only those. I fail to experience the fullness and splendor of the actual life that surrounds me, the one that I am living – the bright eyes of my children, insatiable curiosity, nonsensical laughter, bear hugs and wet baby kisses, bedtime prayers and God questions too big for me to answer. There is wonder in all of it. The little things add up to something much, much larger than me. And I miss so much of the “bigness” in a blur of haste, to-dos, and cynicism.

A heart of gratitude and a childlike sense of wonder. These are what I need to live the biggest kind of life. Not a trip to a hidden beach paradise or an off-the-grid wilderness existence. Although I might still go if the opportunity presented itself… 🙂

Go here for some great thoughts on gratitude. Read Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts for even more. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Cultivating gratitude and wonder changes everything. 

Peace & Love, Amy